It began as a dare.
“I could have sex everyday” was the bold statement made by my beloved during a recent variation of the “how many times a week should we have sex” conversation. The focus of this conversation really wasn’t about frequency. It was about who should – and how to – initiate sex. And, how to make sex more interesting, more engaging and more fun. Frequency really wasn’t the issue as we’ve been pretty consistently an “every other day” couple.
I’ll confess – I’m what’s consider to be the “low desire” spouse. Every other day sex can be a challenge if you brand yourself “low desire”. We had been working on changing things up over the past few months and thanks to The One Extraordinary Marriage (OEM) podcast, I had discovered some awesome tools that could help us. Listening to OEM and other marriage podcasts helped me realize that I wasn’t born with the skills needed to sustain a long term relationship and that it was OK if I was feeling deficient. What I was certain of was my love for my husband and in our ability to learn new stuff.
The “Intimacy Lifestyle” lived by the podcast founders, Tony and Alisa Dilorenzo is all about scheduling sex. I was hoping the work my husband and I were doing might lead us to adopting this lifestyle. I had become weary of the lack of initiation by both of us, the not knowing if or when sex would happen, trying to mind read, the unmet/unspoken expectations and what I’ll kindly refer to as “mercy sex” given by me. We were in a rut and I searching for a way out of the darkness.
Feeling emboldened after my husband’s statement, I bravely said “I dare you to do a 60 day sex challenge with me”. We had completed a 7 Day Sex Challenge a few months before this after I learned about it from listening to the OEM podcast. I recall feeling as if we’d not make it to day 5 then! But my husband said “You’re on!”. And I gulped. Now what? That night, we began the challenge. Over the next few days, we stretched ourselves finding creative initiation strategies, different rooms and positions and having lots of conversation about how we were feeling. 7 days came and went, then 15 and 20. I marked each day on the calendar and we marveled at our stamina and creativity. Two serious fights occurred and even those conflicts didn’t damper our commitment. We’re now 9 days from completion of 60 and 13 days from our 10th wedding anniversary. From someone who claimed, “low desire spouse” rights, this achievement is truly a miracle.
Here’s what we learned and HOW WE LAST(ED):
1. Gifting your marriage with a new commitment – to something – can be invigorating. 60 Days of Sex is simply an example.
2. Mind over matter. You’re capable of far more than you think.
3. It’s not always – or rarely perfect. When the experiences reaches new heights, revel in it and know it will arrive again.
4. Intentionality is everything. It solidifies a commitment. It moves mountains. When we said “I do” we both knew we were making a commitment. But, I don’t think either of knew what that really meant. Marriage didn’t come with a handbook! My husband didn’t come with an owner’s manual! In ten years of marriage had become disconnected on many levels and living more like room mates than lovers. Our 60 Day Challenge has brought a sense of commitment alive again. It’s a blessing to feel this way a few short days before our anniversary!
5. Love and desire needs kindling. I don’t want to be in a marriage where I simply tolerate my husband. Each of us is responsible for ensuring there’s enough firewood in supply to keep the embers burning for the time we have together on earth.
A sex challenge has the power to rev up your erotic engines. It can breath new life into your relationship. And, most importantly, it can remind you of why you thought marriage was a good idea in the first place. Like a lot of challenges, it can level up everything. More satisfied. More confident. More connected. And more committed to the process of evolving our marriage.
Featured Couples: Javier & Sabrina
Days Together: 3656
(curated and edited by How We Last)